The Story of Baba Leh-Tsi Bam

Baba Leh-Tsi Bam (pronounced Lay-Zee Balm) was the greatest thinker to be ever born in Tibet. His name, with his fame, had once spread all over the world but since the world was round in those days, it came right back to him. That’s why, probably, you haven’t heard of him before.

Baba Leh-Tsi Bam was born at a very early age in the village of Lhasy in Tibet. He was a born thinker. For the first thirty seven years of his life he never uttered a word - he would just sit quietly and think. Then one day in his thirty eighth year the facets of life were suddenly revealed to him in a secret dream. Needless to say, this revelation astonished him. It astonished him so much that he fell from the sky. Badly hurt, he blurted out, "Ougch," which means: -

"Children, only when it hurts do you know for sure that you are alive. You do not feel pain once you are dead. I have never heard a dead man cry, nor have I seen a corpse wince. When you feel pain, rejoice, you are alive and perhaps moving in the right path."

This glorious message from the hitherto silent man changed the village of Lhasy forever. There was great hullabaloo all around the place. People hailed the coming of a new Messiah. The villagers congregated around the great man and started clapping in joy. Some were so happy that they knelt down and started rubbing their noses to the ground. (That was the very way ancient Tibetans expressed extreme pleasure. The advent of Baba Leh-Tsi Bam brought unending joy and happiness to everyone in the region. All that excessive rubbing eroded each Tibetan nose to its present shape.)

News of the great happening spread like mumps. Devotees were being created every moment. Soon the whole place was swamped by thousands of people from all over the region. After uttering his first word, Baba Leh-Tsi Bam was himself overcome with glee. He scratched his elbows a few times and then raised his arms and started embracing the sky. That was the birth of Dance. He then lay down on the ground and started to tickle his ears with his toes. That gave birth to Yoga. (Today in India we call it Yog-Bam, in deference to the Baba.) Seeing Baba’s callisthenics, the mesmerised devotees started chanting, "Ba, Ba." Thus Poetry was born. Then Baba turned towards the east and tweaked his nose. This time nothing was born. Nevertheless, it can be clearly seen that behind the birth of most significant things lies the influence of Baba Leh-Tsi Bam. (That is why, perhaps, "behind" is sometimes called "Bam." Only in West Bengal, where the people take great pride in being different, they say "Bam Front.")

After all that dancing and Yoga and what-not, Baba Leh-Tsi Bam became rather tired and promptly went to sleep. He slept for eleven hours and then got up and sat in the lotus position with a serene expression on his face. The devotees waited with great patience. After sitting for another thirteen hours, Baba finally opened his mouth. After another seven and a half hours he yawned and said, "Grrmph," which means: -

"Children, don’t get excited, have a seat. Never stand when you can sit; never sit when you can lie down. We are not birds, we don’t have feathers and thank goodness for that, it would have been so ticklish. In fact, human beings are creatures of the soil, just like worms. But never be the early worm that gets caught. Stay up late so that you get up late, no early bird shall catch you."

While the adoring devotees were digesting this wonderful advice, Baba smiled gently and said, "Aaargh," which means: -

"Children, don’t get drawn into unnecessary activity, there is but one life, why spend it running around? Sit back, relax, make yourself comfortable and enjoy a lifetime of contemplation. Always remember Darwin and his theories of evolution. He said that the part of the body which is not used shall slowly shorten over generations and then disappear. Thus constant un-use has made the monkey’s tail disappear in evoluted man. Thus our little step-toe is becoming shorter with every generation. So children, do not use your body by doing work, just think and use your mind. In a few generations the body, with total un-use, shall gradually shorten and disappear, leaving behind only the mind or soul."

Baba Leh-Tsi Bam was always a man of few words. He said little, but such was the depth of his wisdom that his devotees understood a lot. Of course, not all devotees understood everything. Those who understood a lot were called Leh-Tsists. They became the Baba’s disciples as of right and set up an Ashram for him. (Of course, the Ashram was not built with concrete or bricks. It was made by joining together woody stems of a peculiar plant that grew in the region. Today that plant is known as Bam-boo.) The others, who did not understand everything, were left behind. Naturally, they were called Leftists. They were most upset by Baba’s intimacy with the Leh-Tsists. They, too, were devotees, even if they did not understand! In a rush of pique the Leftists left Tibet. Just south of Tibet was Bengal where the politicians were engrossed in unholy congress. The Leftists arrived in Bengal in hordes and drove away the erring politicians and took over the reins of government for ever.

Meanwhile in Lhasy village in Tibet Baba Leh-Tsi Bam and his disciples spent time in joy and laziness. From time to time Baba would express his thoughts and his disciples would reap the multiple benefits of his wisdom. One morning, Baba woke up from his peaceful sleep and said, "Ghaaow," which means: -

"Children, truth lies everywhere. What is true today was a lie yesterday. Five hundred years ago when a man said that men could fly, he was a liar. Today men fly into buildings. Icarus would laugh to death if he could. When you can’t break a string by rubbing it against a stone, just bite it apart. Tooth is stronger than friction."

Saying this, Baba Leh-Tsi Bam gnawed at his pajama strings. His disciples were overwhelmed by the clarity of Baba’s vision. They beamed at one another in supreme understanding. Some even winked at each other. By then Baba had managed to unstring his pajamas. He shut his eyes in contentment and said, "Hoigghh," which means: -

"Children, he who has nothing to lose is the happiest person. Sages have said throughout the ages that patience is the essence of success. But success is such a mystery. Failures are the pillars of success. Make your endeavour a hall of thousand pillars and you will achieve true success. Yes, truth lies everywhere."

As Baba’s fame spread all over the world, so did jealousy. A great many of the world’s leaders were uneasy with the Baba’s realm of influence. Work was coming to a standstill. On the east of Tibet was the ancient kingdom of China, then ruled by the Shun dynasty. At the time when Baba’s fame reached its pinnacle the Chinese king was Ambrose Shun, still in his teens. He arrived with a band of cut-throats to invade Baba’s Ashram and destroy it. In due course young Amby Shun reached the outskirts of Lhasy with his raid army. Baba Leh-Tsi Bam raised the north-western corner of his left eyebrow and immediately understood the implications. He smiled his gentle smile and said, " ", that is, he opened his mouth but said nothing, which means: -

"Children, nothing is true, nothing is omnipresent. As Tharoor shall say, zero is the proof that nothing exists. The student who gets zero has truly understood nothing, he has nowhere left to go. He is the one who has reached his destination. The sun, the earth, the moon, the planets are all shaped like zero, they are nothing. So children, strive for nothing and you shall achieve what you want - nothing! What else could be so simple? Dear Amby Shun, take nothing from me."

Saying this Baba Leh-Tsi Bam and his band of devoted Leh-Tsists gently disappeared into nothingness. Only Amby Shun was left to rule the roost.